Yes, and...
Have you ever heard of the concept of "Yes, and..."?
It comes from the world of improv comedy. The idea is that when you are performing an improvised scene, you never disagree with any premise put forward by anyone else. You always go along with it and see where it takes you. That's the "yes" part. The "and" part is where you contribute something of your own, adding to the previous suggestion. It's about collaboration, exploration, creativity, and keeping an open mind. It can lead to all kinds of interesting places.
Can I share my one and only improv experience with you? While doing this project back in 2014, I attended an improv comedy fundraising event, and got called up on stage. Here's an email I wrote to a friend at the time:
Okay, so the story doesn't have a whole lot to do with my point. But I've actually been trying to apply the "yes, and..." approach in my day-to-day life. It all started with my first year of this project.
Very often, if someone is asking for donations, or selling random stuff to raise funds for their kid's school, or someone asking for spare change on the corner, the automatic response is, "no thanks," or "not today," or "maybe next time"... What my project did was turn that around for me. Consciously trying to find something charitable or kind every single day for a set number of days meant that I was always on the lookout for something that would allow me to check the box for that day. All of those "nos" and "maybe laters" quickly turned into "yeses".
After a while, the same concept started finding its way into other aspects of my life. It's so easy to say no to things, especially when life is busy and stressful, and there's an addictive little device in our pockets or in our hands that will amuse and distract us whenever we want. It's even easier to just let life move on, take no action at all. Everybody is too tired or overwhelmed.
One or the other of these responses was almost always the default answer in my head, and I'm sure I'm not alone. At some point I started wondering what if, like the random acts of kindness I was undertaking, I were to change my default answer to "yes"? What if I started there, and had to convincingly talk myself out of it, instead of the other way around?
The point is not to just say "yes" to everything. Look for connections. Look for meaning. Look for the things that you initially resist, but that you know are actually worthwhile -- maybe for you, or maybe for someone else. Quite often it's both.
Yes... and...
It comes from the world of improv comedy. The idea is that when you are performing an improvised scene, you never disagree with any premise put forward by anyone else. You always go along with it and see where it takes you. That's the "yes" part. The "and" part is where you contribute something of your own, adding to the previous suggestion. It's about collaboration, exploration, creativity, and keeping an open mind. It can lead to all kinds of interesting places.
Can I share my one and only improv experience with you? While doing this project back in 2014, I attended an improv comedy fundraising event, and got called up on stage. Here's an email I wrote to a friend at the time:
So last night we were sitting there watching improv when I get
called up on stage to participate. But rather than just rearranging
someone's limbs or providing sound effects for a scene, they actually
make me a participant in the bit. They're doing this game where they
rotate between four different skits, and I'm involved in two of them.
In one of my scenes they tell me I'll be working with one of the performers, and we'll be doing a scene about someone calling an operator for help with something. In the other scene, I'll be working with a different performer, and the suggestion for the scene is someone purchasing opera tickets.
The emcee promises they'll be nice and take good care of me while I'm on stage, and then immediately announces that he's changing the scene from two people buying opera tickets to two people performing in an opera. And he looks at the expression on my face and says, "I'm really looking forward to this!"
Suddenly I'm on stage with someone who is trying to call the operator for help with something. So the guy calls me and I answer. He tells me he has an emergency and he needs help, so with no idea what to say, I just said, "Have you tried 911?" He smacks his forehead, the audience laughs, and they rotate us out.
I have no memory of what the other two performers did in the meantime because all I can think about is the fact that I'm about to be stuck in an opera. I'm just sitting there thinking, "there is no way I'm singing... there is no way I'm singing..." so then my turn comes up and the other performer sings something about how there's no way we can leave the stage before we sing our big finale together.... and I just look at him and croak out, "I have laryngitis..."
So now they rotate me back into the scene where I'm the operator,
and he tries calling 911 and is confused when I answer again. I ask him
what his emergency is and he says, "I'm bleeding out." So I say, "Have
you tried the hospital?" and he smacks his forehead and calls the
hospital. Of course I answer again, and he says, "What the hell?" and I
say "Uh... there have been some budget cuts."
They rotate back to the scenes that don't involve me for a bit, which was a bit of a blur, and next thing I know I'm back in the opera, and the performer is singing to me something about "Where are we ever going to find an understudy for the big finale?" at which point I say in my best laryngitis voice, "Have you tried the audience?"
He smacks his forehead, everybody laughs, and I got to go back to my seat.
In one of my scenes they tell me I'll be working with one of the performers, and we'll be doing a scene about someone calling an operator for help with something. In the other scene, I'll be working with a different performer, and the suggestion for the scene is someone purchasing opera tickets.
The emcee promises they'll be nice and take good care of me while I'm on stage, and then immediately announces that he's changing the scene from two people buying opera tickets to two people performing in an opera. And he looks at the expression on my face and says, "I'm really looking forward to this!"
Suddenly I'm on stage with someone who is trying to call the operator for help with something. So the guy calls me and I answer. He tells me he has an emergency and he needs help, so with no idea what to say, I just said, "Have you tried 911?" He smacks his forehead, the audience laughs, and they rotate us out.
I have no memory of what the other two performers did in the meantime because all I can think about is the fact that I'm about to be stuck in an opera. I'm just sitting there thinking, "there is no way I'm singing... there is no way I'm singing..." so then my turn comes up and the other performer sings something about how there's no way we can leave the stage before we sing our big finale together.... and I just look at him and croak out, "I have laryngitis..."
So now they rotate me back into the scene where I'm the operator,
and he tries calling 911 and is confused when I answer again. I ask him
what his emergency is and he says, "I'm bleeding out." So I say, "Have
you tried the hospital?" and he smacks his forehead and calls the
hospital. Of course I answer again, and he says, "What the hell?" and I
say "Uh... there have been some budget cuts." They rotate back to the scenes that don't involve me for a bit, which was a bit of a blur, and next thing I know I'm back in the opera, and the performer is singing to me something about "Where are we ever going to find an understudy for the big finale?" at which point I say in my best laryngitis voice, "Have you tried the audience?"
He smacks his forehead, everybody laughs, and I got to go back to my seat.
Okay, so the story doesn't have a whole lot to do with my point. But I've actually been trying to apply the "yes, and..." approach in my day-to-day life. It all started with my first year of this project.
Very often, if someone is asking for donations, or selling random stuff to raise funds for their kid's school, or someone asking for spare change on the corner, the automatic response is, "no thanks," or "not today," or "maybe next time"... What my project did was turn that around for me. Consciously trying to find something charitable or kind every single day for a set number of days meant that I was always on the lookout for something that would allow me to check the box for that day. All of those "nos" and "maybe laters" quickly turned into "yeses".
After a while, the same concept started finding its way into other aspects of my life. It's so easy to say no to things, especially when life is busy and stressful, and there's an addictive little device in our pockets or in our hands that will amuse and distract us whenever we want. It's even easier to just let life move on, take no action at all. Everybody is too tired or overwhelmed.
One or the other of these responses was almost always the default answer in my head, and I'm sure I'm not alone. At some point I started wondering what if, like the random acts of kindness I was undertaking, I were to change my default answer to "yes"? What if I started there, and had to convincingly talk myself out of it, instead of the other way around?
The point is not to just say "yes" to everything. Look for connections. Look for meaning. Look for the things that you initially resist, but that you know are actually worthwhile -- maybe for you, or maybe for someone else. Quite often it's both.
My life is very full. Five kids. Four different schools. Two teenagers on the autism spectrum, two elementary school boys, and a preschooler. Life has led us to a place where we are paying for multiple types of therapists, multiple types of attorneys, multiple types of home repairs, an orthodontist, and various other specialists. My son and I are involved in Cub Scouts, my wife is PTA President at an elementary school of somewhere close to 1000 kids, and the two caregivers that were working with our daughter both left back in August and we still don't have replacements.
It would be SO EASY for us to say "no" to anything and everything. And we do say "no" quite regularly. But we've learned that life is much more fun and rewarding if we start with "yes, and..." For us, and for the people asking for the "yes" in the first place.
Start with "yes." And once you get used to saying "yes", don't forget the "and..." That's the part where you take the other person's suggestion and add something of your own to it. Sometimes it's a bust, but more often than not, it's worth it.
It would be SO EASY for us to say "no" to anything and everything. And we do say "no" quite regularly. But we've learned that life is much more fun and rewarding if we start with "yes, and..." For us, and for the people asking for the "yes" in the first place.
Start with "yes." And once you get used to saying "yes", don't forget the "and..." That's the part where you take the other person's suggestion and add something of your own to it. Sometimes it's a bust, but more often than not, it's worth it.
Hey, do you want to go to lunch? Want to come over play board
games? Can you help load emergency supplies
onto airplanes? Can my
friends have a sleepover? Can these
people come stay with us for a bit? Can we
go to the park today? Can you help out with this big school event? Can we go camping sometime? Can you take care of this sick snake? Can we paint the kitchen cabinets bright red?
Yes... and...
Here are some times we said "yes, and..." in the last year:
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